So obviously, I haven't been spending much time at my computer. In fact the plan was to write my final post this week, and put blogging to rest--but instead I find myself taking a different direction for now. When I made the decision to create a blog, I was coming from one of the darkest periods of my life. I do not regret that time because I learned more from that experience than I could ever gain from a class or a book. In fact, the past nearly 10 years have been a very intense period of learning for me. I am now beginning to realize that although it's not true in essence, I have felt that this deep soul searching process had separated me from being able to connect with others in my perception of the "mainstream" world. I was caught in a trap of either/or. I felt I had to either conform to the general way of thinking that I had been conditioned to believe was "right", or rebel against it. I didn't realize the answer was actually in neither/nor. Interestingly, in living my life in either/or, I was not in alignment with what I absolutely know deep inside to be true. I was in a state of self-betrayal, of resistance, non-acceptance, and judgement. So the very things I believe so deeply in my soul to be the path to healing, peace, and perfect love which is the state of acceptance and unconditional love without judgement, or resistance were the very things I was ultimately not living by in my daily interactions with others for the most part. Perhaps my greatest stumbling block has been fearing what others will think. I have been living out of alignment because of this fear--letting my mind tell me over and over that I must be wrong because I didn't see the ways of the world as a whole or even the ways of the people in my religious culture to be--not intending to be offensive, but rather for lack of a better word--absolutely
true. I have come to find what I know in part from discovering what
doesn't work to bringing authentic and lasting peace and wholeness.
Finally in December, I had this shift. It was as if my soul said, "Okay, enough." I stopped trying to overcome, accepted the lessons from the pain, struggle, and inner turmoil, and the depression lifted. And I am not talking about a little bout of depression--I'm talking about mind-boggling, pain-wrenching, wishing I could cease to exist kind of depression--because death would not be good enough.
For several months now, the message from my soul kept resounding, "Let go." And yet that part of me--the part that has no fear, has not been running the show. And although I was often aware of this peaceful presence inside of me in the background, I let my mind and emotions dictate my actions and responses because they told me that I needed to resist the doubts within and hang on tightly with all my strength to what I am "supposed" to know. I had been taught that this is what faith is. I am now learning by finally heeding to the voice within to "let go", what faith really means.
It was amidst all of this, when I began to give up
fighting the good fight, that I turned on the TV, (something I rarely do unless it's for my four year old or to watch with my family), and saw Oprah's new book club book, Eckhart Tolle's
A New Earth. I picked this book up early on a Sunday morning for the first time, while still in bed and began reading. I resonated with every word, much was not new for me, but what was new, was the realization that had somehow slipped past me that I was not my thoughts or my emotions, (in other words my ego and
pain body as Eckhart calls it), but rather that Presence that I've been aware of for many years now that was the observer of my thoughts and emotions--the very Awareness that my ego was urging me to resist aligning with. This understanding was like the missing piece to the puzzle that I've been searching for that made the truths I had learned over the years actually work. I suppose because my ego was the loudest and most forceful and fueled by a sometimes very overwhelming and other times very subtle fear-- and because it mirrored, for the most part, the perceptions of the world around me, I listened. In contrast, my inner voice, my soul, doesn't try to rescue me from myself, it never forces truth upon my mind and emotions, nor does it judge them. Instead, if I allow it in, it simply sheds light.
To my mind this sounds strange. But what I know is that I have found a peace inside that is dispelling the mental and emotional turmoil that has always invaded my happiness. There have been many personal experiences as well as healing techniques I have found that have temporarily connected me with this kind of peace, but immediately my mind in it's desperate attempt to regain control, would begin working overtime to convince me that I was crazy. What is different now, is that while I still listen to my mind, I don't let it possess me and become my identity as often. I am witness to miracles beginning to happen inside of me. I'm truly beginning to heal things I have been struggling with for years. There are still things and relationships that cause me to sink back into the illusions of my mind, but I accept that right now.
Last week, I was sent a fascinating email of a presentation by a Harvard brain scientist who had an amazing experience that is really in alignment with what I am learning. This video is what inspired me to post this week. This woman feels that this is a message worth sharing, and so do I. It's 20 minutes long, but time well spent if you're interested. Enjoy!
Just in case the video doesn't work, here's the link: http://www.BelieveAndManifest.com/1/bam/video1.php
